


I Don't Deserve You

by NothingRiddikulus



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Angst, Break Up, CFSWF, M/M, also he is sex and romance repulsed, arospec!Kaladin, asexual!Kaladin, not that sex is really mentioned but sex repulsion is implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 12:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11463549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingRiddikulus/pseuds/NothingRiddikulus
Summary: If Kaladin really loved Renarin he would have to learn to bear seeing him with someone elseKaladin knows he shoudn't keep secrets from the person he loves, but what if the truth would hurt more?





	I Don't Deserve You

**Author's Note:**

> Personally I headcanon Kaladin as a somewhat sex/romance repulsed demiromantic asexual, and that's what I had in mind while I wrote this. However, any other aspec headcanon you have for him should work just as well.

  
It was late evening, and the air was thin and the sky felt hopeless. There was no wind, and the ground was dry and dull. Behind bridge four’s barracks, Kaladin Stormblessed was talking, voice rich with sorrow and eyes downcast.  
  
‘I… I don’t think we should court anymore. I don’t deserve you.’  
  
‘…you don’t?’  
  
‘I don’t. We’re not right for each other.’  
  
‘But I-‘  
  
‘It’s not up for discussion. I’m ending things.’  
  
‘well then, I suppose it’s true’, said Renarin, spitting the words. ‘I always suspected you didn’t really feel anything for me’. Kaladin itched to tell him that it wasn’t true, that he loved him now and would never stop. That what he’d said wasn’t just an excuse to fling Renarin aside. But it was too late; now Renarin Kholin was crying and it was all Kaladin’s fault.  
  
It was to be expected really. People weren’t usually happy when you ended relationships with them. Kaladin balled his hands into fists and grit his teeth, determined not to cry himself. He didn’t deserve to. He’d just broken the heart of the man he loved.  
He’d _had_ to do it, he reasoned with himself. The only other option was to explain everything he had been feeling, and there was no way he could put his thoughts into words that wouldn’t just make everything worse. No, this was for the best. Renarin deserved someone who desired him, who didn’t flinch when their hand was held. Someone who Renarin would find easy to believe when they told him they loved him.  
  
Kaladin knew that falling in love was different for him, and that he felt differently about it than others. Realising his feelings for Renarin had been a strange, uncomfortable period of time. And after that he still hadn’t felt ready to be his lover. If only it hadn’t happened so fast. But when Renarin, body shaking and face flushed, had whispered ‘I love you’, confession flying from his lips like he couldn’t hold it back, Kaladin hadn’t had it in him to say ‘No, not now. I’m scared.’ And so he’d said ‘I love you too’. Which was true but… it wasn’t the whole truth.  
The whole truth was that when Kaladin was younger his love had felt the same as others his age. But then at some point in time they had left him behind, progressed to a place where love was hot, and passionate, and intense, and Kaladin had begun to feel out of place.  
  
Broken.  
  
The way he felt about romance was childish too. He refused to kiss Renarin in public because he felt so panicked when other couples did. He couldn’t ever imagine being married. Everything to do with relationships still felt somewhat embarrassing.  
  
In front of him, Renarin still cried. The warcamp was quiet and fairly empty this time of day, and Renarin’s sobbing echoed pathetically. It always broke Kaladin’s heart to see Renarin cry, but at least up until now he had been able to hold him, console him, make him feel safe and loved. And now that was the last thing he was allowed to do. And yet he longed to. For half a moment his mind was made up: he would take Renarin back, beg for forgiveness, claim that he hadn’t meant what he said. He would go back to play acting romance, to pushing down his feelings of disgust, panic, and guilt. He would do anything to make Renarin happy.  
  
But then he remembered that this wasn’t the first time he had made Renarin cry. That Renarin spent their time together longing for some sign that Kaladin really loved him, taking deep breaths to hold back his nerves. That Renarin had known, or at least suspected how Kaladin felt ever since their relationship had begun. That as much as he wanted to make Renarin happy, he had never been able to. He had to step down. Making Renarin happy meant letting him be with someone better than him. His heart twisted at the thought and his eyes grew wet but it was true. If he really loved Renarin he would have to learn to bear seeing him with someone else. He was a storming idiot for thinking they would work in the first place.  
  
Not that things had been that bad in the beginning. Sure, his stomach had curled and tightened when bridge four made their lewd jokes about the two of them, and he had grown hot and panicked when he saw the ease with which Renarin laughed it off, seemed pleased by it even, like it meant they were a real couple. Yes, he’d not been able to replicate the hungry way Renarin kissed him, and he’d felt guilty. He’d fantasized about never going any further than short sweet kisses and he’d cried because he was meant to want more. But it had been easy to ignore with the bliss of a new relationship.  
  
But you couldn’t ignore anything forever. Renarin’s tears suddenly grew too loud, and too tragic for Kaladin to block out. Collapsing into a sobbing wreck he flung his arms tight around Renarin and pulled him close. Renarin threw him off, flailing arms hitting Kaladin hard in the stomach. Renarin gasped, and for a moment seemed remorseful, but then he stood up straighter and hardened his expression. Other than his tears, which he made no attempt to hide or wipe away, he hardly looked sad. But then, he had always been good at hiding pain.  
  
Kaladin watched him walk away, and the tears in his eyes began to stream silently down his face. He fell to the floor and wept, the hollow in his heart growing larger with every step Renarin took. His hands shook. He’d expected this pain, welcomed it even, for it was his own failings that had led to this. What he wished was that Renarin’s tears could have been avoided but that was impossible.  
  
For there was no way to tell Renarin Kholin ‘I don’t deserve you’ that would not sound to him like ‘ _You_ do not deserve _me_.’  



End file.
